L'Étoile du Nord's New Wilderness Guide, Vol 1

[Wiild]

Your Minnesota Wild?

Deep in the bowels of the stately but unpretentious EHEC league headquarters, in a sub-basement three flights of stairs down from an unmarked door in the lobby, over and through a hallway blockaded by a concerning stockpile of moldering fertilizer from a previous regime, there is an unused washroom with a locked supply closet, on the doors of which there is a poster advising 'to beware of the leopard' but within contains the last of the fleet of 'official' EHEC fax machines purchased wholesale in 2009 and then never pressed into widespread use as the obvious appeal of email and amusing full-colour scans of various bodyparts became immediately apparent to the entire cadre of General Managers around the league.

Still, there is a fax machine down there and it is plugged in and it did receive a small flurry of transmissions in January, as our masked journalist/luchador was able to uncover, reprinted here:

The first: "I'mm back,'
Second: "Shit, sorry -- 'I'm back.'"
Third: "Zaq. This is Zaq by the way. From the time with the thing."
Fourth: "You know what, I'll send an email, that's better, let's try an email. This is a dumb bit."

A bit of proper correspondence and paperwork later and the league office announced the return of Zaq Haslam, previously general manager of the Florida Panthers from January of 2010 until sometime in the off-season of 2015 when he simply wandered off and never returned to work. Bit of a recurring dream, to be quite honest. An in-depth breakdown of his tenure with the Cats would be tedious at best -- simpler to say his work was undistinguished and ultimately unfulfilling for most if not all Panthers fans, his lasting impact on the franchise largely keyed on drafting and developing Connor Brickley and missing the playoffs a lot of times.

So, what hope does this offer the faithful of the Minnesota Wild? Three main points to be made:

1- The state of hockey in the State of Hockey has been dismal bordering on 'recommended for psychiatric observation' for more than decade now, with the team's only playoff appearance in EHEC's debut season, back in 2009/10. There's little to worry about in terms of 'can he possibly make things worse?' short of giving away certain Russian defenders for free given their status as unwitting pawns of any tedious supposed 'culture war.' (Perish the thought. Spoilers for anyone not familiar with America's long losing streak in wars against concepts -- see: 'Communism,' 'Drugs,' 'Terror' -- there are no winners) Damning with faint praise, but having a General Manager with experience and even a middling attention span at least offers opportunities for improvement over the previous caretaker arrangements. Surely. Probably.

2- The Wild retired the jersey number 1 at their first ever home game, October 11th, 2000, in honour of 'the fans' in advance of the fans actually showing any particular level of support to the then still quite unknown and unproven quality of the franchise. This came after the state of Minnesota loaned $65 million to the city of Saint Paul and the city issued bonds to cover the other half of $130 million arena cost. Thought the city eventually was forgiven the outstanding balance of the loan ($32.7 million) from the state, the city still owes over $40 million in bonds on the arena as of 2022, the team's rent payments slowly chipping away at the balance while the franchise value inches closer to the billion mark. The point has momentarily escaped this writer, other than to recall that the new General Manager is versed with popular movements from his time in Florida and in the event of say, a revolution or a default on the life of the team's owner, would be an ideal steward of the transition to public/community ownership of a team supposedly so thankful for their hometown fans they raised a banner to the rafters. Food for thought, surely.

3- The team is not in terrible shape, from a personnel perspective. This is a very young team, the 23 man roster averaging 24.3 years of age as of the start of February. Cap trouble is not in ready evidence, though it's an easy thing to waltz into. Alexis Lafrenière is one of the very best young players in the league and there are bright spots all over. From a results perspective, the team looks stuck in the middle this year, though the current three game win streak feels... almost nice, a very simple pleasure, like shaking a sugar packet before adding it to your second coffee of the morning.

Five Questions with the New GM

How have you kept up with EHEC during your sabbatical? Any observations from the last six seasons?
-- Haven't watched a second of EHEC hockey since 2015, eager to learn what sort of media contract the league is operating with now, actually. Who in the hell is Cole Perfetti?

Any hints on your initial ambitions for the club?
-- Really going to try and embrace Wildness as a concept. Consider -- untamed, natural, not cultivated, but also, unruly, unrestrained, not subject to regulation and control, and further -- emotionally overcome, passionate, enthusiastic, turbulent, agitated, and finally -- beyond convention, deviating from the intended course, fantastic and sensational. Free. We, not thee--

Okay, but like, winning hockey games?
-- Oh sure. let's do that.

You seem unconvinced.
-- I want us to compete. As a luchador, you must understand that victory and defeat play equal parts in the story of struggle, though we do not have the reassurances of a narrative being consciously built and amended -- we must take what comes and hope that it satisfies our passions. May we be our best, may fortune follow our best and lead us to catharsis or agony, I hope it's a spectacle.

I would appreciate if you could keep it kayfabe.
-- Noted.

[NYRNYRNYR]

This rocks btw, great to have you back. LoL. I look forward to some big MIN moves and the great write ups that follow. Podcast return with Zaq guest star?

[SharksGM]

Still, there is a fax machine down there and it is plugged in and it did receive a small flurry of transmissions in January, as our masked journalist/luchador was able to uncover, reprinted here:

-- Haven't watched a second of EHEC hockey since 2015, eager to learn what sort of media contract the league is operating with now, actually. Who in the hell is Cole Perfetti?

I refuse to believe that anyone was paying for a phone line or that a fax machine worked properly on the first try, but I'm looking forward to your second article on Who Is Cole Perfetti, Anyways? A Story of the Dozen or So Guys Who Were on the Chopping Block this Summer and Are Now Top 30 in League Scoring.

[AvalancheGM]

During my several somewhat lengthy stints as caretaker of the Panthers, I gave thanks for Connor Brickley on the regular. The rose in a minefield.

[Wiild]

In this issue: An Off-Season Recap, Prospect Profiles and El Periodista Amarillo reports from the 2023-24 Minnesota Wild Training Camp.
On the cover: Manix Landry


After futile second half, Wild Have Tame Off-season
Despite a long-overdue injection of actual live humans into the front office in February, the wheels of the sausage-making process by which professional sports franchises are managed seemed content to grind into neutral, warm the engine and see how the rest of the season played out. It did, at that, and the Wild stayed on the course they set out on, in draft lottery territory but not so bad the tides of fate saw fit to award them the big prize.

Management was not completely idle-- All-star defender Ivan Provorov was sent down to Sunrise in exchange for the stout-but-unremarkable Ryan Pilon, Prospect Evan Vierling and a 1st in 2024. The Blues sent over Kristian Vesalainen in a swap of tweeners, the big-boned Finn contributing 6 points in 30 games to end the season with the Wild. Incumbent starter Calvin Pickard, on an expiring deal, was sent 1-for-1 to the Sens for Dylan Wells, the 25 year old netminder more or less took over the starting job for the remainder of the campaign.

So the Wild finished 25th. Alexis Lafrenière matched his rookie season, tallying a team-leading 30 goals. Provorov's exit seemed to cripple the team's transition game, Alexei Marchenko not quite up to the task without his blueline partner. Staring at the final tally of player stats is trying to glean an upside is an excruciating exercise in spin.

So, the Wild finished 25th. Did not win the Conor Bedard sweepstakes, had the top player on their draft board taken right in front of them, and then, with grim but dutiful determination, retained many of the expiring contracts, perhaps cynically but not incorrectly guessing that luring free agents to St Paul in the current climate was going to be... a big ask. A trade, bringing in depth defenseman Cam Dineen and a long summer of static.

Perhaps fittingly, none of the braintrust could be reached for comment. Perhaps Panthers fans who survived the previous Haslam glacial epoch could write in with words of courage and hope. Anything involving 'key dates' and being aggressive, competitive or quick on the draw seems... a little far fetched.

Draft recap
6 Ryan Leonard - formerly of the US NDTP, Leonard was ranked 4th by central scouting and by most accounts should grade out as one of the top prospects of the class, a well-rounded centreman who compares favourably to Alex Turcotte with more physicality. Leonard was one of the few Wild prospects to score a real goal in the pre-season, for his efforts he'll start his professional career in Des Moines.

34 Oliver Bonk - Canadian-born son of Radek, who curiously played over 900 NHL games but retired promptly just before the EHEC ascendancy/the 2010 Dragon Break. Not the son's issue, clearly. Bonk projects as a very solid defense-first blueliner, not a dazzling upside but something approaching a safe bet.

64 Trey Augustine - the second-ranked netminder by Central Scouting, Augustine was the third selected. Despite being from Michigan, he's technically sound, has sharp reflexes, awareness, puck sense... but goaltenders are famously brutal to project your hopes and dreams on, so it's best to forget all about him until he gets the call.

74 Brandon Svoboda - ranked 49th, Svoboda is a workmanlike center with good size and a willingness to take the body. Luckily he's pretty good at it, and that's his best route to the show.

81 Easton Cowen - auspiciously named, diminutively sized, Cowen is a work in progress but has shown consistency in the work he's putting in. Scouts we talked to say he interviews well, which is only slightly less pseudoscientific than the ugly girlfriend test, but at 81st overall you do like hearing about determination.

94 Hunter Brzustewicz - one usually sees a Polish-American name like Hunter Brzutewicz and assumes 'bone crushing lineman.' This kid projects rather more like a decent two-way defenseman who will make the most of his potential working on the transition game.

145 Kocha Delic - At the very end of the draft there are usually a handful of 'showed us something' prospects who are worth at least having the rights to. Scouts did not share with this magazine what it is, exactly, that Kocha Delic showed them, but they spoke about it in the sort of hushed, reverential tones usually reserved for retrospective re-appraisals of a prog rock band's back catalogue.

Leonard immediately becomes the #1 ranked prospect in the Wild system, easily edging out last year's top selection, defenseman Denton Mateychuk.

Rumours and Innuendo at Training Camp

37 deep, intent on breaking ground on a new season of hockey in a series of skirmish matches against other training camp rosters, the Wild finished the (meaningless, utterly meaningless, truly) pre-season with one win in 9 chances and but a scant few interesting stories to be told.

1- Mateychuk is ready. Or ready enough. Presumably not as ready as he'll ever be, but he's ready to start getting ready to be as ready as he'll ever be. The tenth selection in 2022, The Dentist was given top pairing duties through a gruesome pre-season and didn't look at all out of place against any opponents, which is more than can be said for any of his partners in the blueline 'prospect' group. His overall outlook still looks well shy of stardom, and Mateychuk had a rocky under-age season in Iowa last year, but growth comes in spurts, and he now looks like a decent bet to stick with the top team.

2- The Wild have won more than 30 games just twice in the last twelve seasons, missing the playoffs every year. Looking at the roster, you'd get pretty long odds to bet the over, but also, save your money.

3- 2020's first overall pick, Alexis Lafreniere signed a new four year deal in July worth $29.6 million dollars. Minnesota is a wealthy state, and the per capita income averages out to about $41,000/yr. Now, Alexis is a gifted hockey player, and has spent his young life maximizing his abilities at ice skating, passing, stickhandling and shooting a rubber puck and avoiding getting brain injuries. And for good reason, since a Minnesota hockey fan will pay between $59 and $360 to see that sort of thing, in addition to their municipal taxes being levied against the interest accruing on the outstanding tens of millions in bonds the city of Saint Paul still owes for subsidizing the cost of the Xcel Energy Center. (And an $140 million dollar police budget.) It is of course, useless to ask whether the young sports playing guy works 180 times harder than the average Minnesotan, because obviously the average Minnesotan does not generate the sort of spectacle-driven revenue as a professional athlete, and of course Laf is only attempting to recoup a small percentage of the total profit that he and his teammates generate for Craig Leipold, now worth about $4,000,000,000, who of course made his initial millions via telemarketing, a just and noble profession, and owns a very sinkable yacht valued at about the same as Laf's new contract.

4- This reporter looked on in stunned horror and admiration as one Manix Landry refused to back down from a challenge and continued to eat concession items ferried down to the bench between shifts during the pre-season opener in Denver. I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings. Landry is, of course, Iowa bound, but the fortitude...

5- You hope to be surprised, you hang on to hope. In this life you are constantly given the choice between comfort and risk, knowing ambition comes with pitfalls, disappointment follows hope, but also knowing that without hope, despair catches you just the same. We all work fervently to preserve what we have, but is it everything that we need to thrive? Can you possibly live with anything less? The Wild have a few good players, but most teams do. The Wild are young, but most teams are young. They play the games for a reason, but do they?

El Periodista Amarillo, out.

[SharksGM]

Seems like overkill for the Mississippi, but maybe it's good enough to ply Lake Superior?