5QF - 9/17/10

[Virtual Jarmo]

1. You're stranded on a deserted island after your plane goes down. For whatever reason, you thought it would be a great idea to fly solo. You are left with: a first aid kit from the plane, one flare (with no gun), an abundance of trees, but it rains daily on the island so there is very little dry wood to be found, a package of Oreos that you took with you because they're your favorite snack, and you get lucky enough to find a rusty machete-looking weapon in the low surf.

The plane has already sunk, losing any means of communication. Boats pass out on the horizon line, but it's unlikely that they will see you without something to really catch their sight. You find an abundance of berries just inside the trees, but you have no idea if they are safe to eat.

What steps do you take to ensuring your survival and how do you rig up a device to get attention?

2. There are six Bud Lights left in the refrigerator and you've got three people over. Two are good buddies and one guy is the friend of a friend, but he's a douche. There's a 12-pack of an expensive microbrew in your downstairs fridge, saved only for special occasions. It's game six of the Stanley Cup with your favorite team holding a 3-2 lead in the series. Do you bust out the 12 of the good stuff, or do you send someone on a beer run with you buying, seeing that you're a good host?

3. You're at the bowling alley shooting a couple games because they have $1 23 oz draft beers as a special. The most amazing girl you have ever seen walks by, but you're throwing a 270 heading in to the 10th frame (for those who don't know, 300 is a perfect game and 3 strikes in the 10th will get you that perfect game). She has a friend and her friend's boyfriend with her, but she appears to be flying solo.

Your buddy tells you that he will give you $500 if you finish off the 300 game. The girl, who happens to be two lanes down, gives you a quick glance and turns away, giggling to her friend.

Do you: Finish your beer and throw your first ball? Finish your beer and go talk to her? Attempt to finish your 300 and then talk to her? Order another round and wallow in the self-pity of probably not having a chance with said girl? or, Tell your buddy to double his bet because he is potentially cock-blocking you?

4. It's late on a deserted highway and you've got a flat tire. You have a spare tire under the car, but it's pouring rain and it's very chilly outside, oh, and you're wearing a $1500 suit because you just left a wedding in the country. It's been 20 minutes since you've seen a car drive by and your phone is dead so you can't call for roadside assistance. You're familiar with the area, but have no idea if the nearest gas station is even open. Finding a pay phone is like finding a needle in a haystack.

There's no guarantee that the next car, or any car, will stop because you might be an axe murderer. What do you do?

5. Three friends and you want to go out. One buddy wants to go to a bar where you know your recent ex-girlfriend hangs out every Friday night, but beers are cheap and the scenery is gorgeous. Another buddy wants to go to a casino, but you're short on cash and drinks are not free. The other buddy wants to head over to the nearby college town and crash a frat party that he heard about from one of the college interns at his company.

Your ex-girlfriend is fucking nuts and she will not stop obsessing over you, even though she dumped you. The casino is a two hour drive each way, and you likely wouldn't be back until morning. The frat house with the party is notoriously full of douche bags and you run the risk of being a legal adult at a party with plenty of underage drinking and a college police unit that has a zero tolerance policy.

What do you decide to do?

[Jets GM]

first off, sick effort on this 5QF. very creative.

1. dont touch the berries, carve out wood to spell "HELP ME FTW" and spread them across the beach away from the tree's so a plane could see. hook up some ghetto ass shelter using leaves from the tree's (if the leaves aren't big enough i guess im just using wet wood). enjoy an oreo every 24 hours using the sun to tell time, and commence some serious seafood hunting. w/e i can find and catch, and use some wood ive chopped and put under shelter that i would assume would dry over 24-48 hours to hopefully start a fire tom hanks style. then just wait and c.....

2. i would never have bud light in my fridge, so i'll assume there mgd. break out both and share the wealth.

3. imo its not rly a cock block, but it depends on the girl i guess. if were going to talk to her, i dont throw a single ball and walk over and say that its my first time bowling, my friends won't teach me anything about it and am wondering if she could show me a thing or two? if ur a real sicko (to sick for me) i assume you parlay your action into bowling the perfect game + getting the girls digits at like 3:1?

4. tough spot, just gotta wait it out and hope someone stops. venturing by foot to find help would b putting urself in a even worse spot, so best to sit and tight and hope to bink a friendly stranger driving by.

5. the best out of the 5, and to me the most obv. short on cash, so casino is out of the question. frat party sounds so fucking lame, id rather stay home and watch animal porn. why would we let an girl stop us from getting liquored up for cheap and having a good time? plus, clearly she is still on our nuts so showing up, and both of us drinking clearly there could be some very happy endings.

props to adam

[Parker]

1) I'm pretty sure I'd die. Fortunately, I can't see myself ever getting into that kind of situation.

2) I'd break out the good stuff. The douche can even have some assuming he's rooting for the same team as me. If he's not, he can have the Bud Light since I wouldn't wish that swill on my worst enemy.

3) Assuming I'm single and also assuming I get the "interested" vibe from her look, I'd go after the girl immediately. 10 years from now nobody's going to remember the 300 game, and $500 isn't that much money to me, but the girl could end up being my life partner.

4) I keep a pair of winter coveralls in my Jeep (more for the padding required for climbing underneath vehicles on lumpy/stony ground than for the heat insulation) so this isn't even really a situation for me. Maybe the shoes would get ruined. Who cares though, this is AFTER the wedding, not before it.

5) I like the element of risk. The douchebag quotient means that the party will be a target-rich environment of hot but stupid girls. There's opportunity for recreational drug use. As long as I know my exits in case the rent-a-cops show up, this is a no-brainer.

[Bruins]

1. First aid kit should come in handy at some point for a variety of things. I'd keep the flare to maybe start a fire at some point or kill an animal. Lots of trees plus rain I would assume the habitat is has a well stocked food chain, in which case every organism would go down one. I'd check the berries on a skin wound and chew them a while before eating them to see how my body reacts to them. Probably use the oreos as bait. Not sure about flagging down any boats or planes, keep a fire going and hope for the best I suppose. If there's a steady supply or food and water I wouldn't be in much of a hurry anyway.

2. We ain't drinking Bud Light because it's water, but the 6 beers would go awfully quick. Bringing out the good beer would come out without question (save the champagne and wine). After that someone would probably need to make a beer run.

3. Swig down the beer, tell that girl to watch you finish you destroy a 300 game and win 500 big ones, seal the deals.

4. Sleep off the night and make my way to a station in the morning. I like that suit though.

5. Stay at home and meditate.

[Penguin]

1. Pile up wood on the beach saying HELP. Use the machete to build a shelter and to hunt. Eat a couple berries to see if I react. If I get sick, doesn't matter cause I'm on a deserted island with nothing to do for a longgg time.. Andddd, saving the oreos would just make me angry and teased so I'd eat them all at once like Harley in Lost.
2. Finish all the beer and roll a doob right after! Doesn't matter what kind of beer it is, if you're thirsty, you're thirsty.
3. (See Boston's answer)
4. (See Boston's answer)
5. (See Tampa Bay's answer)

[Virtual Jarmo]

1. First objective is to find a way to get a fire started. The beauty of wet wood/leaves is that, while a fire is hard to start, they produce a ton of smoke. So I would have to determine the best place to build a shelter near the fire without dying of smoke inhalation. I would separate the Oreos in to individual cookies, saving the sugary, creamy part for when I needed energy the most. I'd completely leave the berries alone. I should be able to use a smoky fire to keep predators away, keep bugs away, and maybe garner attention. I would try to slant my shelter in such a way that rainwater is stored. I would be very afraid to use the rusty blade to butcher any animals I do catch to eat because of the chance of tetanus. So, I would try to fry bark over the fire or attempt to find coconuts or something.

2. I would give someone a $20 and have them get a couple cases of some shit beer. 30 cans a case for $9.99 for some college beer. I'm not aiming to please and even shit beer beats tap water.

3. Imagining myself single here, I'd have no shot. So I'd just attempt to finish off my 300 game and then hope that one of my buddies bangs the girl.

4. I spend about 15 minutes swearing my head off. Then I decide to strip down to my boxers and see if I can at least get the tire unhooked from the bottom of the car. If I'm successful, I get back in my car, put the suit back on, and then change the tire. If I'm not successful, I continue my profane tirade and wait it out.

5. Casino wins every time. I enjoy the drive, road trips always have potential, and I just play Pai Gow where you push 45% of the time. Or I play basic strategy blackjack at a $5 table. If I can't find one, I loiter around and soak up the atmosphere.

[SharksGM]

I'm way too lazy to ever get a pilot's license, I don't like beer so I'd let my friends drink whatever they want, I suck at bowling and don't judge solely on the basis of appearance (ha yeah right... well I did say solely), I don't drive and I don't have an obsessive ex-girlfriend. Problems solved! Oh, I guess I have no imagination and am bad at hypotheticals too.

I am enough of a nerd to look up that there is nothing particularly special about rusty metal to associate it with tetanus. Unfortunately I didn't pay attention during cub scouts so like most of you I would probably just starve and die. Or maybe I would brush up on my circuits, reinvent the transistor, build a radio and call for help.

[Jungle Cats]

1. Depends on the size of the island, I suppose, as far as planning for contingency. If it's not that big of an island, and if I can't get a fire going, I probably succumb to berry poisoning within a few days. Larger island and a little more luck in the large smokey fire department and potential for some more edible flora and fauna and I still give myself slightly less than 50% odds.

2. It's game six? They can have whatever they want, especially if that means someone will drink that rat piss that hypothetically is in the fridge. If the douche isn't rooting for the good guys, he's specifically drinking the bud light, and he's specifically going on any future beer runs.

3. Lotta options, can't say I'd give myself good odds on finishing the perfect game or picking up a girl in a bowling alley looking like a guy who bowls a little too much... but the glory of sport and a little cash is peanuts, comparatively...

4. I look less like an axe murderer if i keep the suit on and stay near the obviously impaired car, but otherwise patience will rule the day.

5. I'm not doing any of that.