Brian's Song

[Commish Bub(NYR)]

Or, A Season on the Brink: The 2011-12 New York Rangers

It's Friday, December 23, 2011. The Rangers are on their way to a quiet 2-0 shutdown of the rival Philadelphia Flyers. The win will be their 9th in the past ten games, and bring their record to 25-5-3, placing them on top of the EHEC standings. But with 18:09 left in the game, two men chased the puck into the corner.

Only one came out.

Flyers defenseman Braydon Coburn -- another in a long line of faceless thugs that franchise has nourished over the years -- punched, kicked, bit, shot, or did whatever he did* to the groin of a Rangers hero, changing the course of one team's season, tearing a franchise apart, and demolishing the hopes of millions quiet, tow-headed, and polite children in the greater New York metropolitan area. For in those few seconds, Rangers fourth-line star and team go-to guy Brian Sutherby was wrecked beyond repair, banished to months of traction, physical therapy, and watching Animal Planet.

"Dude wasn't a scoring machine,** you know?" said forward Patrick Marleau. "But he was SO clutch. I mean, I know he didn't have any game winners or whatever," he added, "but he made the rest of us want to score more than ever."

"I miss him so much," said linemate Jim Slater. "He was just so...." His voice trailed off, before adding "...good. Look, I have ten goals this year, but I don't think I would've scored one without BS." Across the locker room teammate Artem Anisimov nodded, then mimicked shooting Slater in the groin with his stick. Somehwere in Tampa, men seethed.

"He made awesome lattes," interjected forward Trent Hunter. "Awesome." "Oh hell yeah," added Dane Byers. "Whipped cream AND foam. Fuckin' A."

As befits a leader, team captain Jason Arnott was somewhat more reserved and thoughtful in his praise for his broken teammate. "Brian doesn't make that much money, doesn't have a lot of talent, and is kinda hard to look at. But he's one of us, eh? So there's that."

Ultimately, Simon Gagné spoke for the rest of the team when he said "And now nobody done the laundry for month, you know?"

[King Henrik Lundqvist and Emperor-Above-All John Tortorella could not be reached for comments for this article.]

* - Strangely, no video evidence has yet surfaced of the nameless cruelty Coburn inflicted. And therefore, no suspension has been forthcoming from the wise and prudent EHEC upper administration.
** - But with 14 points in 28 games, Sutherby was on the way to his best scoring season yet. And a +15. Plus fifteen! Trophies were his for the taking.

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TEAM SUPERLATIVES:
Most Likely to Possibly Score Twenty Goals This Year: Artem Anisimov (16g in 47 games)
Most Likely to Disappear Without a Trace: Chris "Still Getting a Paycheck" Higgins
Most Likely to Possibly Earn His First-Round Draft Status, Maybe: Mikael Salmivirta
Most Likely to Be the One Player to Carry the Team Through the Rest of the Season: King Henrik
Most Likely to Have Great Stats and Still Be Gone at the End of the Year: Daniel Larsson
Most Likely to Earn Enmity Around the League for Using the Same Lines Others Had Already Been Using: Entire Team

Say Goodbye to: Brett Clark (waivers to DC); Dan "Not Joe" Girardi (trade with WPG)
Say Hello to: Samuel "Laundry" Pahlsson (trade with WPG), Jim Vandermeer (summoned from the Outer Darkness), John Erskine (back from the dead, aka Hartford)
Be On the Lookout For: Ethan Werek (2g in 9 games, 1 beatdown of "Ogie" Coburn), Miikka Salomaki (Just Say YES to another soft Euro forward!), Iiro Pakarinen (soon to have a 150 FA rating), Liam Liston (once he hits 70 OA), Nigel Williams (repeatedly called up but never plays, just for kicks LOL)

[SharksGM]

As befits a leader, team captain Jason Arnott was somewhat more reserved and thoughtful in his praise for his broken teammate. "Brian doesn't make that much money, doesn't have a lot of talent, and is kinda hard to look at. But he's one of us, eh? So there's that."

Most Likely to Have Great Stats and Still Be Gone at the End of the Year: Daniel Larsson

Jeez, I'd hate to hear what kind of praise Arnott would have for Chris 'Always Just Kind of There' Higgins. And that sure is a great way to motivate Larsson. "Well, you have to outplay the best goalie in the league to keep your spot, cause there's this Liston kid coming up from the minors with intangibles this big."

[Commish Bub(NYR)]

Exactly. Intangibles are HUGE. And his name is Liam. Next year I hope to draft a Ewen.

[Parker]

Pat, that was a hilarious read. Nice work.

Chris Higgins for Boyd Gordon?

[Virtual Jarmo]

Great stuff, Pat. Now on the front page at www.ehechockey.com

[Commish Bub(NYR)]

Pat, that was a hilarious read. Nice work.

Chris Higgins for Boyd Gordon?

Hey man, don't laugh yet...