A Wing and a Prayer, Draft Review and Off Season Hawk Report

[Femur]

A Wing and a Prayer

da Hawks Beat

by Buster Hymen

Another year, another first round exit for our beloved boys of winter. Same script, too: big time winger goes down right before the playoffs, and nobody is able to step up for him. First it was Hossa, last year Sharp, and this year, of course, Patrick Kane gets hurt in the last month of the season, and you know (to paraphrase Harvey Weinstein) the rest of the story (Ed. NOTE: that is PAUL HARVEY) (Wr. NOTE: touch it, i know what i mean).

Well, it looks like the boys upstairs took notice of that (between meals) and have spent most of their time addressing depth on the wing. Now many Hawks fans are eager to blow it up and rebuild after three straight flame-outs, but we all know Femur and Bowman are too lazy...scratch that...too conservative for that. We had a draft where da Hawks had count'em 12 picks (a nightmare for this beat writer who has much better things to do than biography a bunch of pimply kids who will never see a day in Chicago except on a bus tour) (Ed. NOTE: it is your job, and hey...c'mon) , actually picked up a free agent, and rumors of some prospects on the block.

The Draft; the next generation. Yea! Here are da Hawks picks, of which you can expect to see NONE of these players either in Rockford or in Chicago this season (I have been told by everybody in the organization) so you might want to archive this one for posterity.

In the first round da Hawks took a young goalie with a great resume (Team Canada), from a great hockey family (THE Comries, in puck circles), and a great glove side: Eric Comrie. Well, young Eric should have plenty of time to hone the rest of his game, because (of course) da Hawks just extended Halak, so don't expect to see their #1 for a couple of years at least.

Round two saw a trio of aforementioned wingers taken (Ed. NOTE: Lipon is a Center) (Wr. NOTE: trust me, and i know you don't, he is a winger all the way...and stop interrupting) Ed.NOTE: get it right and i won't have to), with the best-of-the-bunch Jason Salvaggio going at #44. Salvaggio looks to score in a variety of different ways as he is not exactly your prototypical sniper. Perhaps it is because of the disappointment of supposed Boston sniper Charlie Coyle (demoted for playoffs, and i have it on good authority is being shopped), that da Hawks might be thinking of fellow Bostonite Salvaggio (who will be playing SOMEWHERE in Hockey East next year...that is all we know right now) might take his place to take a second bite at the apple, or baked bean in this case. Also taken were a couple of smaller wing prospects: Andreas Johnson (# 54) and JC Lipon (at 57th). Both guys are not the hulking giants we have become accustom to from the two-headed monster of Bowman-Femur, but they both carry all the other traits we have come to expect: neither are flashy, but rather get-the-job done types who work hard and show a consistent effort. All three will be given a chance in a couple of years to make the squad.

In the third round Femur reminded us he is completely insane and most likely incompetent (Ed. NOTE: most likely? My, how you've grown up) as he took ANOTHER goalie (Evan “Meester” Cowley at # 80). not only redundant after their number one pick, but a guy EVERYONE says completely lacks talent. When asked about this, Femur immediately got defensive and answered with a question, “who knew goalies couldn't make the jump?” Of course, the answer is everyone, but let's just leave it right there. He looked to redeem himself with the fans by taking the nasty defenseman Gustav “Bang And” Olofsson at # 85. This guy is so mean it is reported he once beat up a nun as a third grader (Ed. NOTE: that can't be true) (Wr. NOTE: oh it be).

4th round saw da Hawks take another winger Rob Lubos (Ed. NOTE: that is Lubos Rob) (Wr. NOTE: surely it is now you who is joking), okay Lubos Rob with the 109th pick: a lesser player than Comrie from a lesser hockey family (no offense to those of you who loved seeing the old man in the 80s) a winger from the Czech Republic, and another defenseman, Teemu Kilihalme (#115) who will join Bang And Olofsson at CC next year.

5th round selections were Center Greg Chase (# 139) and LW Stephen Harper (# 145) who are more long-range prospects more known for their hard work than their ability. The draft was rounded out in rounds 6 and 7 by a couple of Centermen with good size at least named Carter Verhaege (number 175) and Eduard Simun (#205) overall, who hope to make it one day into pro hockey in the punching bag / pin cushion role. Good luck to them!

Free agency actually saw a pick up this year: LW Eric Fehr. Fehr is obviously here to provide a little versatility, grit, and consistency as a fifth winger. A human insurance policy really not expected to contribute much until the playoffs if he is called upon.

The rest of the off-season is where da Hawks were somewhat interesting (well, for us, that is....graded on a curve). Nick Hjalmarsson's contract was surprisingly extended (gawd knows why) and (more promising?) Dereck Joslin was the odd man out and allowed to walk. Both prospects Arzamasev and Oleksiak are looking to replace Joslin and possibly Hjalmarsson this season. On the wing we saw the end of the Billy Sweatt experiment, and it looks like it might be the end of the Charlie Coyle experiment, too. We shall see.

Until next time, I am Buster Hymen on da Hawks Beat.

[Parker]

This guy is so mean it is reported he once beat up a nun as a third grader

Hahaha I love this line, it reminds me of Harry Doyle from Major League: "This guy once threw at his own kid in a Father-Son game!"

[VancouverCanucksGM]

In the third round Femur reminded us he is completely insane and most likely incompetent (Ed. NOTE: most likely? My, how you've grown up) as he took ANOTHER goalie (Evan “Meester” Cowley at # 80). not only redundant after their number one pick, but a guy EVERYONE says completely lacks talent. When asked about this, Femur immediately got defensive and answered with a question, “who knew goalies couldn't make the jump?” Of course, the answer is everyone, but let's just leave it right there.

Erm....not EVERYONE....see pick #28 in the first round.

[Femur]

i am laughing at both replies.

juuuuust a bit outside....

[Parker]

i am laughing at both replies.

juuuuust a bit outside....

"...he tried for the corner and missed."

My favorite Harry Doyle quote though:

"Haywood's a convicted felon, isn't he, Monty?"

"Uh, it doesn't say here."

"Well, he should be."

I love Bob Uecker; Brewers fans don't know how good they have it.

Sorry for the off-topic.

[Virtual Jarmo]

I get so tired of hearing Major League quoted. And misquoted especially. So many assholes that go to Indians games think they're fucking hilarious because they drop a misquoted line from one of the first two movies.

They're great movies, near and dear to me because I'm a Clevelander, but, man, I get tired of hearing quotes from them. I'm far more impressed when somebody drops a quote from Bull Durham or The Natural.


And as for Bob Uecker, he's got nothing on our radio guy: